The Gratitude Journal: Entry 5

My time here is in New York is half way over. It’s also been a few weeks since I wrote my last entry, but I think that’s ok. It’s given me a little more time to reflect. Overall, I’m still immensely grateful for this opportunity. Every day I wake up in this city, I realize just how fortunate I am. I realize how hard I’ve worked to receive this opportunity, and I recognize that not everyone got this opportunity.

I’ve spoken before about how this is my first time ‘living’ in New York City, for an extended period of time. During my time here, so far, I’ve seen two Broadway Shows, the One World Observatory, been to the MET twice, the Brooklyn Museum, and have gotten to see some of my dearest friends from back home. All while living and working in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I’ve also been on a Circle Line cruise, a Double Decker Bus Tour, and am writing this at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Most of these experiences have been excursions for my work, but I’ve still taken the time to be present amongst all of these things. I am grateful that I get to experience New York City in this way. I feel like a tourist, because I’m still mesmerized at the beauty of this city, and I don’t think that’ll ever go away. I’m grateful that I’ve done the work it takes to get me here in this capacity, because I don’t take it lightly.

When I think about myself in relation to art, I’m struck at how I’ve always had a layer of imposter syndrome to my art. I always felt that there was a silent pre-requisite to creating. Like you had to have the education, or the equipment, or the funding to be taken seriously. And while I understand that those feelings aren’t essential, they are still valid. The arts, like so many professions, is somewhat of a frivolous business that’s riddled with jealousy, ego, misogyny, racism, homophobia, anti-semitism and so many more unfortunate factors. So it’s no wonder that I being someone who has a glorious amount of imposter syndrome, has never really seen myself as an artist. I don’t say these things for pity, only to shine the light on how it is that I’ve had to emerge triumphant as me, for me. What I can say now is that I am grateful for my perseverance to always try to create my art, my way.

While my parents are also artists, they never had the proper tools or support to create a life for themselves where art is the epicenter. Their lives were predicated on structure, and figuring out how to ‘make it’. It’s no surprise that those same feelings were passed down to me. So while I have always loved and enjoyed art, I also love having a life of structure. I’ve been working since I was 15, and don’t plan on stopping soon. Hard work is at the core of my gratitude journey, because I know that when it’s time to buckle down and do the work, that’s what I’m going to do. There just isn’t enough security for me to be a ‘struggling artist’. I am becoming more grateful for my hometown. I was already grateful for Augusta because of the way I was raised, and the community around me when I’m home, however, now that I’m in NYC, I recognize how special that is so much more.

Community is something that you can’t replace. No amount of coffee shops, museums, clothing stores, skyscrapers, or anything that may be seen as a draw to NYC can replace the community that’s at home for me. Now granted, if I was to spend more time here, could I find that community? Sure! However, in my brief time here, the best times I’ve had have been with my friends from college in GA. They now live here, and have all said to me just how refreshing it has been to have me here. Why? Because I love and build community. What I’ve also realized about the city is the fact that it’s so spread out and fragmented by the boroughs, that while you think you might be close to someone, you still have to take a 30 minute trip to go them. And that’s via train and walking. My favorite part about being home is the fact that I can get in my car and meet up with my friends and family. Of course I could do that in NYC, but it takes so much more planning and preparation.

Another reason I’m so grateful for my hometown is the affordability. Showing people pictures of my apartment, and then telling them how much I pay and where it’s located, they’re floored. An apartment my size in this city would easily run you about $3000 (almost 6 times what I pay), and you’d probably have to share that with someone else to be able to afford it on a basic salary. What I’m realizing more and more is that geography is just that, geography. A ZIP Code is just a 5 digit code that tells you where you are in relation to a map. However, numbers don’t lie, so when the salary is set, but the rent is also set, you start to realize the value of what you’re getting for where you are. I’m sure I’d feel differently if my family was from here, however, because my family is still in the South, I’m just not in the business of paying astronomically high prices just to lay my head. Plus, not having the same access the community makes it even more difficult for me to rationalize living here permanently by myself.

I am grateful for this time, because it’s helped me to figure out what’s important to me. It’s helped me to understand my core values a little better. It’s helped me to be more cognizant of the ways in which my life at home is so blessed. It has given me the language around the feelings of security that I cherish. It’s also made me grateful that I get to have this new introduction to the city. Because I’m going to take these experiences with me when I get back home, and use them to create a life for myself that’s just like this one. And I live in a town and a community that’s always growing. It may not be at the pace of New York City, but that’s ok. It doesn’t have to be NYC. The saddest part about being here is the number of people you see displaced, unhorsed, and helpless. I could only imagine what their lives would be like if they were able to find community in a city that’s not as expensive, and more forgiving.

I will continue to show gratitude for New York City, because it’s shaping to be more of my favorite places… to visit. I’m sure that my life will continue to give me more opportunities to make a name for myself here, it’s just lovely to know that I still have a name at home as well.

I am grateful for Augusta, GA

I am grateful for the community of people around me

I am grateful for authentic support

I am grateful for doing the work at home to be able to do the work other places

I am grateful for New York City

I am grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves for me here

I am grateful for the challenges that I’ve faced at home and in New York

I am grateful for the things I’m learning while in New York

I am grateful for the opportunity to take these experiences with me back home

I am grateful for the present, and for being present

I am grateful for my friends who are in New York City, and the community I’m able to build with them while I’m here