Don't Judge Me: Journey to Me, Part 2
Journey to Me: Celibacy, Reclaiming My Sexuality and Discovering My Identity
Part 2: Don’t Judge Me
The most beautiful part of this process so far is the therapy that I get from listening to the songs, can be spoken about and expressed in text and that is everything to me right now. For so long, I thought I had to be a certain way or talk about certain things to be a “blogger” instead of writing with integrity, and for me.
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Yesterday, I appreciated my body in a way that I have never done. And used a song that honestly makes me feel SO good about myself, to be able to retrain my thinking. Today’s song is quite the opposite. It still at its core is a command but has an endearing tone and genuine nature that I absolutely love.
Do you have that artist who’s music you’ve seen develop right alongside you as an individual? Or that their work mentally takes you somewhere you haven’t allowed yourself to go? I have a lot of artists like this, and honestly, that description is generally what makes our favorite artists our favorite artists. The artist I’m referring to is Janelle Monaé.
When I was a senior in high school, Westobou, a local arts festival booked Janelle Monaé to headline. At that time, the only song I had heard of hers was her first major single “Tightrope”. I was hooked because she displayed a lot of the jazz influences I grew up with. Being from Augusta, James Brown’s life and legacy is one of the main attractions to our community. I also grew up with two of his grandchildren, so he’s always had a special place in my heart as someone who helped bring some of my special friends in this world. Janelle’s signature black and white style was also something that I loved and wanted to emulate, but I wasn’t in control of my closet so I stuck with what I had.
My mom wasn’t keen on letting me go out on weeknights, and somehow Janelle’s concert got scheduled on Wednesday. While Westobou wasn’t school-related, my mom allowed me to go to the festival the night before to see a friend and local artist who’s music I had coveted close to my heart since middle school, Julia Easterlin. Julia performs using a voice recorder, and loops and layers her voice and various instruments to literally build her music. She is dynamic and breathtaking, I felt so surreal listening to her perform. Julia’s concert was free, but I paid $10 for the CD she sold after because duh.
Basically, I wasn’t allowed to go to the concert because I had already been the night before, so my mom wouldn’t let me go again. Had she, I would’ve met Janelle at her start, which I really could’ve used as a 17-year-old budding to get out and explore myself and the rest of the world. I wouldn’t and still haven’t met Janelle, but her music has done nothing but develop into a personal soundtrack to my development. I love her for that.
The 11th Track on Janelle’s third studio album Dirty Computer is called “Don’t Judge Me”. In an interview with Voices on YouTube, Janelle says that it’s the last song she put on the album before turning in it. In a way, I kind of knew that. Subliminally, you can tell. It’s also the subject of today’s post. The title of the track should hopefully be some indicator of how this is going to go, but I write as organically as plants grow, so it may take a little more effort to be able to encompass how I’ve reacted and grown to this song. But here it goes.
The first sound I hear on “Don’t Judge Me” is a violin. I love string instruments because the natural vibrato resonates with my frequency. It’s funny I always resonate with songs that don’t get all the airtime, as if they have to be discovered for their value instead of being programmed to listen to it over and over. There’s a certain pride I get for being someone who listens to albums in full, and I admire others who do the same because it’s these songs that feel most authentic from an artists' perspective. There’s a subtle crescendo of sounds that evokes an opening of the ears. There’s a compilation of inaudible sounds from Janelle that’s almost like a melodic whisper. There’s a soft wave sound that helps to emulate the tranquility in which Janelle sings/talks this song.
Like the last song I used, “Look But Don’t Touch” the chorus of this song is what entices me. But, the verses of course have significant meaning that I interpret as a relationship I know all too well. She says, “Come let me kiss you right there.” which to me indicates that she knows the pleasure points of her partner. She understands her role in the relationship to know that about her partner, and she’s comforting them in their morning rise by telling them to let her love them in the way they love to be loved. That’s beautiful. That’s also indicative of someone who might overcompensate in a relationship. This line could also be interpreted as, “Come let me make sure I perform my duty that you expect me to do”, in that case, the line is seen as tedious and underwhelming. However, the first description, looking at the command with face value, it’s seen as ultra-personal and intuitive. Very me.
The bridge of this song is probably one of the most profound pieces of music I’ve ever heard. It’s so deeply personal, and honest that I feel like it was written for me. I of course know that’s a selfish thought and how could Janelle write that for me, but hear me out. I’m going to put the first bridge in a quote below, so you can read it, and then interpret:
Even though, you tell me you love me
I’m afraid that you just love my disguise
Taste my fizz and light your candles in my raging fire
Of broken desire
Take a minute… read that again… Did you do it? Good. Let’s continue.
The first line literally slaps me in the face. I have used the word love very loosely in the past. “I love your shoes.”, “Omg, I love that skirt, where’d you get it?” (Hey Regina). “I love Florence and the Machine” (which is true). But the three words “I love you”, in a sense outside of the normal family context have rarely uttered from my lips. The same is not to be said about those three words in relation to me. My life is filled with, “Rickey, I just love you.”, “I love your energy”, and other kinds words about me as a person, but romantically, I’m almost as void. The way that Janelle is upfront and honest with her partner about how she feels, there’s still an element of vulnerability that I’m still striving to achieve in romantic relationships.
The few real romantic relationships I’ve had have obviously ended, and it’s so funny how and why they did. A lot of times, they ended because I presented myself as too put together, or too popular, or too committed to the other person. I overcompensate. Again, how I was brought up. I do too much in pursuit of reciprocation. I give so much of myself, in hopes of some of that energy to be put back into me. I have almost exclusively been with people who’s capacity to love me has never been genuine. I haven’t yet found anyone who matches that energy. That “come let me kiss you right there” energy. That “let me anticipate his needs” energy. I being a server, understand fully how to anticipate the needs of others, and I’m always open and receptive to taking all of someone else, while rarely if ever taking anything for myself. So when Janelle sings, “I’m afraid that you just love my disguise”, I feel that immensely.
I’m terrified at the thought of truly being in love because so many of my relationships have been transactional. What happens when the person’s card declines, and I’m not able to handle the pressure of keeping a good face while struggling internally? Why do I have to be shown time and time again that people don’t really love me, they love what I present, the idea of me. They love my disguise.
“Taste my fizz and light your candles in my raging fire of broken desire”……. who is this girl? where did she ascend from? why were we blessed with the celestial being? I’ve listened to this song at least 100 times, but not until recently did this line strike me. Taste my fizz, drink my drink, drink from my cup. Let me pour into you, let me allow you to take from me. Need I say more? A big part of my reckoning and journey has been realizing that I’ve been so complicit in my own depression because I do too much. I’ve constantly built myself up on the pretense of helping people and doing good for others, that I’m left hurt and bruised by the inequities I face when dealing with human behavior. I have essentially allowed myself to be cut up like a large pizza. And allowing the slices of my personality to be eaten away by people who are in desperate need of their own affirmation, regardless of the circumstance. Allowing someone to light their candles from your fire, does that dim your light? Does it take away from the roaring fire that is you? Do people who have a fire just have it? Is it meant to give to other people? How much is too much when the fire continues to roar, even with a little giving? Broken desires are the ones that I project onto other people because I’m too afraid to do the work for myself. It’s too easy to supervise and allow your life to be overcome by anxiety and unproductivity. As debilitating as it is, it’s still the easy way out sometimes. The hardest part of life is finding and doing what we want to do, for ourselves, our own desires.
But don’t judge me
I know I got issues, but they drown when I kiss you
Don’t judge me
Baptize me in your ocean, recognize my devotion
I know, read it again if you have to. Take ya time boo.
I will admit that I have been a judgemental person at times. I’ve realized now that it’s not so much judgment anymore, but lack of perspective. However, none of us are exempt from judgment. No one, not even people in relationships, has a pass for their actions to not be judged and compared to the actions of others. It’s the basis of law. You allegedly something and the judge judges whether or not your actions and life up to that point determine whether or not the judgment is positive or negative in your favor. All judgment isn’t bad judgment, a lot of people get rewarded for using good judgment in difficult situations. Most don’t, and your good judgment only serves to ensure that you are in line with the law and your personal morality. Enough about that though, back to the song.
The simple words, “Don’t Judge Me”, are like a plea, even though we know the outcome. The simple fact that she named the song “Don’t Judge Me” leads me to believe that she’s been subject to judgment from the beginning of their relationship. That there’s something about her that subjects her to not receive the full 100% of her partner. This is evident because she follows it up with, “I know I got issues, but they drown when I kiss you.” Again, allowing herself to take all the fault in this situation for simply being herself. What issues is she speaking of? Do these issues affect the functionality of the relationship? I’m not sure. Do they make her question the validity of her partner’s love? Yes. Does a display of affection such as kissing really drown out all of the issues in the relationship? Probably not, but part of the disguise is keeping up the façade that it actually does. Saying it out loud helps to bring it to life, even if that’s not the real case. The physical action does the same thing.
In my pursuit of genuine love, I’ve found myself here too many times. Where, since I’m so desperate for the love and affection of someone else, that I diminish myself to not be judged for not liking the situation. I objectively think about my actions in hope that my partner will do the same. I have spent a lot of time entertaining people who I fundamentally didn’t like, but the loneliness takes over and I end up hurt and yearning because eventually, it becomes too much to bear. I’m realizing now that while I have wasted time on unrequited situations, I still have a certain level of discernment to know when enough is enough. However, I still lack the skill of being selective enough to know when I don’t need to associate at all. When I just need to walk away and count my blessings that I haven’t had some strange encounter with someone who wasn’t any good for me anyway. It’s easier said than done, but at least I’m saying it. At least I’m acknowledging that I have a problem now so that I can move forward differently.
I remember being baptized at 8 years old. I remember being in front of my church and being dumped under the water. I remember being dry and cold as I was engulfed in a pool of lukewarm water. I remember it feeling amazing. I remember not wanting it to end. I remember being so aligned in my spirituality at that time. Reading my Bible and trying hard to be the best Christian kid I could. Baptism here is symbolic of the full engulfing of self in the realm of a relationship. It is purposefully going under, a process of going from dry to wet. Going from single to taken. It’s the reconfiguration of your default settings to involve someone else. I have always been willing and able to fully engulf myself in someone else. I’m a little spoon, even though I stand at 6’2 and over 220 pounds. While my stature is dominant, I exist in the submissive. I’m unlearning that. I’m learning that I need to be engulfed in my own ocean of desire. I need to be hyperfocused on myself.
Recognizing devotion is the epitome of why we’re in this situation. That simple phrase perfectly captures why it’s necessary. Why we are in this entire predicament. We need to be recognized. It is also not ironic that Janelle is singing this as a plea, as if she’s invisible and not lying beside her love. She has come to the realization that she hasn’t been appreciated for her devotion. She hasn’t been given the proper credit, the recognition that should come with being in love. Her partner clearly doesn’t have the capacity to give it to her, otherwise, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. She wouldn’t be singing this song. If you like me feel the need to be recognized for every small action because of constant rejection and insecurity from your upbringing, I shouldn’t have to explain why recognition is so vital, especially in unrequited relationships. It’s the assurance that we so desperately need to be able to sleep peacefully and know that you’re a good partner. It’s the verbal communication that’s necessary to ensure that everything is ok, even when it’s not. The craziest part is even when it’s not ok, other factors come into play that ensures that everything is not. What do you do then? Do you further contort your own expectations and desires to please your partner? (Yes). Or do you determine that no recognition is enough recognition in itself? When do you finally stop allowing yourself to be engulfed in the desires of others? When do you know when it’s time to go? When do you recognize your own devotion to your own happiness? Are you void of it? Certainly not, it’s just being foreshadowed by your incessant devotion to others. Stop that, it’s not cute anymore.
I’m going to highlight just a few more individual lines that stick out to me. Here we go:
The water’s perfectly blue
Let’s re-introduce ourselves from a free point of view
If I’m gone sin it’s with you
Tattoo your love on my heart, let the rumors be true
How… poetic *snaps*
Of course, the water is perfectly blue, because you want to swim in it. So regardless of the ugly and murky that may lay under its surface, from the outside it’s perfect to swim in. Perfect to get engulfed in, regardless of your knowledge of its contents.
Don’t you wish you had certain people in your life that you could remeet? Like have a complete do-over with the ways and states at which you met, and completely alter the course of history? Imagine if we as humans had that power? Imagine remeeting someone who caused you so much pain and strife from not being ready to recognize your sincerest devotion? How would you operate differently? Do you think the results would be the same?
Why is sin so fun? Why do we love to put our pleasure before our purpose? Why are we more comfortable repeatedly bruising ourselves by sinning with someone who God told us to get rid of a long time ago? What makes that one person so special?
I have a friend who has a guy’s name tattooed on her arm, and she’s regretted it since after they broke up 2 months after she got it. How funny that we (me) have allowed ourselves to tout around other people’s BS and their ways of hurting us. Like it’s some struggle that we must go through to reach a higher place. That we’ll look back and remember how that person changed for the better, but what if they don’t? What happens then? People would rather be in a relationship that’s filled with gossip and rumors than be happy because people don’t talk about you as much when you’re happy, and since you loved to be recognized for everything, people talking about your relationship is good publicity for you. Do you hear how crazy that sounds?
The song does on in a repetitive tone, but the words still punch me in the face with self-reflection and admiration of Janelle for taking it there. It’s only been recently where I’ve been able to have this analysis of my roles in my own bad relationships. Granted, everyone has a part to play, but those parts are often thought about subjectively and fail to address the real issues at hand, even if they are personal. Moving forward, I refuse to allow myself to even entertain the thought of someone who doesn’t recognize my devotion. I realize that I must first find and develop my own devotion to myself before someone else can. I also realize that I have to stop allowing myself to fall down this same rabbit hole and that I need to like my partner at their core, for who they really are, before I can love them. Don’t Judge Me based on the preconceived notions you may have about my love language and how I love, but love me enough to see past that and know it’s truly all and only love at the end of the day.