The Gratitude Journal: Entry 1
As I sit in the cafeteria at Lincoln Center in New York City, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. My mother said I should start a gratitude journal, to chronicle the ways in which my life has been a constant reminder to be grateful for all of the experiences that contribute to who you are. I also wanted to put words to the page while I’m here in NYC, to remember the space that I’m in, and to remind myself of just how blessed I am, even when I don’t feel like it.
I used to struggle with being present. I was always living in the expectant future of what’s to come, instead of focusing on my today, and my now. I got to a place where I had to take the time to recognize that where I am isn’t that bad. Being grateful to me, means that you reckon with your past, and you make peace with the decisions that you made, the ones that were made for you, and especially the things outside of your control. I wasn’t able to be present, because I was trying so hard to control what my future was going to look like. I am naturally a career-oriented, hard-working person. However, before I really honed in on gratitude, it was so difficult for me to see the work that I was doing as meaningful, important, and ever-lasting. It was difficult for me to be presently grateful for the experiences that made me into who I am today. No one has a life that isn’t riddled with some sort of trauma, confusion, or uncertainty. However, no one has a life that is void of joyful and happy times. For me, the good times have always outweighed the bad times, and having the wherewithal to know that, and look forward to the happier times ahead, is also a way to be presently grateful.
In every step of life, there is reflection. Whether or not you are able to reflect in the moment, or it takes you a while, self-reflection is vital for growth. Self-reflection means taking a critical look at actions you’ve done, or the words you’ve said, and make a effort to change those things to be more empathetic, compassionate, and sincere. Self-reflection also allows you to ask yourself a very important question, “Am I doing the work?” Doing the work is not just getting up everyday, clocking in, and making your living. ‘Doing the work’ is taking actionable and accountable steps to getting where you want to be in life. By DTW in our everyday lives, we can better reflect on how the small things that we deem insignificant all add up to moving up a ladder and going higher in our lives.
Allow me to give you some context on why this is so important to me.
When I graduated from college 5 years ago, I knew two things. One, I needed a job. Two, I wanted to move to New York City. My bachelors degree is in Fashion Merchandising and Apparel Design, so when graduating from my rural college town, my options were limited. However, because I knew I needed a job, I moved back home. Somehow, someway, I knew that that was the best decision for me at the time. I was able to be back around my family. I was able to get an internship to finish my degree, and I was able to land a job as a teacher to pay my bills. From the sense of my “work life”, I was able to say that I did the work. However, during that time, I also did some personal work going through therapy to deal with my past traumas, and heal my inner child, to really be able to grow. Also healing relationships with my family and strengthening my love for them was very important work that I’ve been able to do during this time.
Though I’ve usually been “job secure” in my adult life, a lot of my insecurities in life have come from not feeling considered in my work. Showing up as my best, and wanting to be my best, but not feeling acknowledged or even recognized for anything that I had done. I really had to work within myself to rid myself of the expectancy of recognition from my work. I had to do have some tough conversations with myself to understand that I am enough. That my work ethic is strong, my personality is wonderful, and my purpose in life is greater than any one person can acknowledge or articulate. It’s only from society that we learn to value the opinions of other people, and the cycle is perpetuated through generations, leading us now to a time where confidence is limited, and doubt is omnipresent.
When I was approached about a job in the fashion industry in Richmond, VA, I eagerly accepted. Mind you, before this I had worked a year as a teacher, and was then promoted to Event Planner at the country club I had served at for almost a decade. I worked three months at that job before meeting the man who would lead me to Virginia to work as a Visual Stylist. Not once throughout the 6 month period of both of those job transitions was I grateful. I can look back and know that now because of the way I hastily transitioned from one thing to the next without taking a good look at what I already had and was leaving behind. I wasn’t able to acknowledge the growth that had taken place within myself to get me to these points. All I was concerned with was elevating to a “higher position”, that I didn’t take inventory of what was making me happy during these moments in time. All this to say, when I had finally settled into my apartment, and started my job at this company, it was one of the most hostile environments I’d ever worked in. It was also the first and only job that I have been let go. And after all of that, I ended up back at home, back at my mom’s and back at “Square One.”
I am grateful today for life putting me back at “Square One”, because it was so necessary for me to understand the concept of gratitude. I was searching so hard for my place in this world, that I didn’t even see just how special I was to those around me. If it wasn’t for life and the universe bringing me back to my home town, I probably wouldn’t be sitting in New York City right now.
As I continue this gratitude journey, I will end each entry with “I am grateful for…” statements. These statements are like affirmations that I hope will help others to find things to be grateful for in their lives:
I am grateful for life
I am grateful for my mother and my father, and the upbringing they supplied for me
I am grateful for myself, and my body, and my soul
I am grateful for my personality, my smile, my energy
I am grateful for the countless people in my village who have helped me become the person I am today.
I am grateful for the people who have allowed me to pour into their lives.
I am grateful for my students, and they joy and laughter they bring to my life.
I am grateful for education, which is an outlet for which I make my living.
I am grateful to God.
I am grateful for my teachers, as they all had a part in creating who I am.
I am grateful for Augusta, Georgia
I am grateful for New York City.
I am grateful for the School of American Ballet.
Sincerely,
Rickey