The Gratitude Journal: Entry 4
It’s ok to acknowledge that things are hard. I believe that’s where strength comes in, is when you can acknowledge the difficulty in the things that you’re going through. However, that strength is tested by how you navigate through the difficulty to get to the other side. Right now, my strength is being tested by small things that I’m dealing with at work, in the outside world, and within myself. However, because I’m committed to going through the process and doing the work, I’m trying to give gratitude for everything in the mean time.
In my life, I have subject to a lot of scrutiny and criticism for the things that I do and the way I carry myself. It has taken me a long time to feel confident in myself and my body. I was always striving to go higher in my career and social life, but because of the ways in which I show up in the world, it has forced me to deal with the reality that I am considered ‘wrong’ in a lot of people’s eyes. I don’t need to spell it out that there is a crazy, complicated and love/hate relationship with the world in which we live, and the vast identities that fall within the intersection of BlaQueer life. While I am celebrated for my individuality and freedom, I am also criticized for the same thing. Because I work in education, I am looked at as having to be ‘perfect’. There is not a lot of room for individuality and freedom in education. They want you to fit in the box, teach the standards, and go home. However, when you’re someone like me who lives many facets of their life outside of the box, it can be difficult to contort myself into the box. And, because of the way I was raised and have chosen to live my life, if I was to start putting myself in a box now, it would appear as though I’m limiting myself and those around me from the ways in which I have operated before. Truly a holy conundrum.
I try my hardest to show up with authenticity and sincerity in every facet of my life, and the hardest part about working in education, specifically with K-12 children, is the perception that I am trying to hurt, harm, or groom my students. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve students, but it hurts me that the is a negative perception to my intentions. Even though my intentions are pure, and I truly do what I do for the students. Part of me is not concerned with perceptions, because I know my intent. However, it’s difficult to not be concerned when you are confronted with other people’s projections and perceptions of your intentions.
Yesterday, I took an amazing trip the New York Public Library. I was fully immersed in the library, the architecture, the beauty, the history. So much so that after I spent about 2 hours inside, I sat down on the steps outside just to take a moment of self-reflection and let out some happy tears. No sooner than I finished getting my tears out, a group of New Yorkers comes to sit beside me. How do I know they were New Yorkers? The accent. Unfortunately though, there was intense unconcern for their words and how they could impact others around them. And this is a quote: ‘They stick a rainbow on anything these days. I ain’t got no problem with gays, but do that shit somewhere else. And then they teaching that sh*t to the kids. Leave the kids out of it bro. How you supposed to explain to a kid when a dude kissing a dude?’ It was in that moment that I had to choose to either defend myself and my intentions to a man who wasn’t talking to me directly, or just allow him to be bigoted and ignorant. I really really REALLY wanted to say something to him, just to defend myself because I was just confronted with this same topic at work.
I chose to stay silent.
The main reason I chose to do so was mainly because I didn’t know the gentleman. I didn’t want the situation to turn violent against me, because he was saying harmful things about gay people. However, I was able to engage him in another conversation about an unrelated topic, and he didn’t even realize he was talking to a queer teacher. He didn’t even realize his words, his perceptions and projections caused me grief in a moment of such joy for me. I am grateful for my resilience to stay silent and not internalize the harmful language, but be able to silently engage with the people who don’t see me as worthy to do the work that I do. They see it as ‘wrong’ for me to be authentically myself, and still have a heart to serve children as an educator. They can’t see past the harm done by people in the past that has tainted their perception of who deserves to be an educator. However, I am not deterred in the face of ignorant adversity. I am grateful that I am able to silently challenge the stereotypes placed on me by people known and unknown.
In so many ways, in my short time here, I have noticed how necessary I am to the advancement of the students I serve. Every day, multiple times a day, I am having to help my students through one of the most pivotal points in their lives, being away from home. While doing this, I am working through my own battle of being away from home as well. I have reiterated the message of ‘one day at a time’ to so many of my students, and have had to use my experience as a teacher to help motivate them to lean into the experience of being here, instead of not and just allowing them to deal with it alone. One student asked me to talk with her about missing her parents. I wasn’t able to in the moment because I had a field trip and she was spending the night with her parents before they left the city. The next morning, I decided to get up early and eat my breakfast outside. As I’m finishing my breakfast the student and her parents walk up the stairs to drop her off for the last time. Before they noticed me I said, ‘Look at God! Wouldn’t it be that I’m here to walk you inside after you needed to talk to me about leaving your parents?’ I was able to reassure her that her parents were there for her, supported her, and loved her. I was also able to reassure her parents that she was in great care, and someone was looking out for their baby. If I was concerned with the perceptions of my intent, I wouldn’t be able to show up in the simplest of ways for my students. I wouldn’t be able to articulate the same feelings they are feeling, and reassure them that they are exactly where they’re supposed to be.
Another student is dealing with extreme homesickness. So much to the point where I’m checking in on her daily. However, she is a unique case because her mom has an apartment in the city. So while she’s missing her home in California, she still has her mom here in New York and can call her, stay with her, and see her when she pleases. But she’s still struggling. Just this morning, the student and her mom were walking back into the building as I’m sitting outside eating breakfast, which is one of my favorite things now. I was having a conversation with my mom, and they get pretty lengthy. But in that moment, after her mom dropped her off, she came and sat with me, and I had a conversation with her about her decision to bring her daughter here, and reassured the parent that she made the right choice, and that she’s doing an amazing job and providing so much by being in the city with her daughter during this time. I was still on the phone with my mom, and my mom asked if she could pray for the mother and her daughter for her daughter’s time here. Just being present in that moment, and allowing my mom to speak over her life and her daughter’s life was so special. If I was concerned about the perceptions people have about my worthiness of being in this space, I wouldn’t be able to help students AND parents throughout these pivotal moments. That is and will continue to be my guiding light as I navigate this educational space. It will continue to be my guiding light moving forward, to always remind me that some child, some parent, someone needs me just as I am, and appreciates me just as I am, and I’m doing necessary and essential work.
I am so grateful that I don’t allow the perceptions and projections of others to deter the work that I do.
I am grateful that I don’t allow the perceptions and projections of others to change the way I authentically present myself in the world.
I am grateful for authenticity
I am grateful for my voice
I am grateful for the opportunity to help people through pivotal moments in life
I am grateful for the experiences that allow me to be a positive impact in the lives of the students and parents that I serve.
I am grateful to serve
Sincerely,
Rickey
